Pensioner Polling Pleasure
Opinion polls. I take them with a pinch of salt, but the latest poll showing The Brexit Party winning the European elections has got me quite literally hot under the collar. Despite my moist neck, I have to add some words of caution. These polls are based on the intentions of those who voted in the last EU elections. The turn-out of decent older folks like you and me can always be relied on to bolster our numbers – except strangely, for those old enough to have lived through the war. They are oddly pro-EU and don’t yearn for the good old days of rationing and the blitz spirit. However, I’m sure that you do, and my cockles are warmed at the thought of you getting out of your comfy chair to vote for me.
The problem stems from the new-found enthusiasm that younger generations have for the wretched EU. If these despicable children actually go out and vote, it will be a spanner in the mobility scooter, a fly in the pile ointment – our macron will be tusked, if you’ll pardon my French.
So I have been doing some research. I have been observing the enemy in their natural habitat. Cunningly disguising myself as “iamnotnigelfarage”, I have infiltrated a “web site” called “Reddit” and learned the ways of the young. I was also informed of a youth web site called “4 Chan” (operated by Channel 4), but most of it was in some sort of code or a foreign language and I saw photographs that made my toenails curl. Anyone under 50 years old is sick.
Armed with this knowledge, it is my intention to train you to stop these idiots voting. Every young person that stays away from the polling station is essentially voting for a return to the good old days of the last century, so make sure they don’t vote. They are all lazy and apathetic anyway, so they will probably be at home on their Segas. As you hobble to the polling station, check if anyone younger than you is heading the same way and engage them in conversation using this handy “cut-out-and-keep” card. Don’t be frightened of the lingo; once I am in power I will be taking language back to the good old days when you could call a spade a spade – if you know what I mean!